small groups – SERMON|GEEK

Leading a Small Group Discussion 3: Actively Listen to All People

I remember a story we used to read when I was a child that highlighted the difference between listening and hearing. A child regularly heard her parent’s instructions but didn’t really listen. As a result, she continually disobeyed and ended up being confronted about her poor listening habits.

In a group setting, it is easy to hear what everyone is saying but to not really listen. Nothing can kill a discussion faster than not really listening to what others are saying, and nothing will promote discussion more than people’s realization that they are really being listened to.

You have probably many times found yourself in a conversation in which you were nodding your head and maintaining eye contact the whole time your counterpart spoke, but really all you heard was,”blah, blah, blah.” The problem is: when it is your turn to speak, you’ll likely fumble and bumble trying to make sense because you really have no idea how to respond.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are distracted.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are confused.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are thinking of what we want to say next.

Sometimes we are thinking about how to respond to a previous statement.

Sometimes we don’t listen simply because we don’t care.

Likely, there are other reasons as well why we don’t listen.

Active listening requires us to not just hear and process the words and thoughts being communicated by others, but also to follow up with questions and statements designed to bring clarity. If I am successfully leading a discussion, I must ensure that not only is everyone heard, but that they are understood. I can accomplish this by being an “active listener.”

Here are some simple ways to be an active listener:

Follow up with a question.
Follow up by restating their point in your own words.
Follow up by summarizing their point.
Ask the person to clarify part of their statement which might have been confusing.
Restate a specific phrase or sentence, and add your opinion.

As with many other skills, active listening is a skill that needs to be developed over time. The best way to become better is to intentionally remind yourself before every group meeting that you are going to make an effort to be a more active listener. After each meeting, evaluate yourself.

LEADING A SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 2: Create a Climate of Acceptance

Read all 10 Commandments here.

No good discussion can happen unless the right climate or environment has first been cultivated.Just as a farmer’s job begins long before he puts seeds into the ground, a group leader’s job begins long before the first discussion question is asked.

No farmer walks out of his house one morning and just decides to throw some seeds on the ground. He knows if he hasn’t spent sufficient time preparing the ground, the seeds will have little or no chance to grow. Before he ever plants the seeds, the farmer spends time clearing the land, installing irrigation, removing weeds and plants, and cultivating the soil. When preparation is done properly, the seed will have the best possible chance to grow.

Giving your group’s discussion the best possible chance to be effective requires the leader to spend time creating an accepting environment. People’s ability to open themselves or close themselves is often dependent on whether or not they feel accepted. Someone who feels unwanted will typically withdraw, clam up, and eventually disappear. An effective group discussion will only happen when each group member feels valued, desired, and welcomed.

As the leader, you need to be able not only to cultivate this accepting environment, but also to evaluate the existing environment to notice whether or not people feel welcome. Observing group member’s level of involvement and body language is an easy way to identify whether or not people feel accepted. Some simple questions to ask yourself are:

How often are people contributing to the discussion? If someone never contributes, they may not feel accepted. If they are fully engaged, they likely feel very accepted.
Has anyone demonstrated a drastic change in group involvement? When someone who has never engaged suddenly begins engaging, you have probably succeeded in creating a accepting environment. The reverse is also true. If someone has consistently participated in group discussions and suddenly is withdrawn, you probably should inquire as to why.
Are people leaning in or backing out? When someone sits back with their arms folded protectively over their chest, they may be demonstrating that they don’t feel welcome. When people lean toward each other, they are exhibiting the type of vulnerability which is a result of feeling valued, welcomed, and accepted.

Every time you contact a group member you contribute to a climate of acceptance. Each personal interaction is a chance to reinforce their value to the group. Here are some simple ways to help people feel accepted:

Regularly remind them of specific ways they make the group better.
Seek opportunities to interact with them apart from group time.
Remember birthdays and milestone days.
Celebrate their accomplishments.
Follow up on their prayer requests.
Send random encouraging notes or emails.
Contact them when they’ve missed a group gathering.
Invite them to participate in informal “life-sharing” activities.

LEADING A SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1: Prepare Good Questions Ahead of Time

Read all 10 Commandments here.

Have you ever been part of a discussion that went absolutely nowhere? One of the most important tasks a small group leader needs to execute is GOOD PREPARATION. If your group is going to engage in a good discussion, that will ONLY HAPPEN if you are willing to take the time beforehand to prepare good questions.

If you really want to have a good discussion you must do the following three activities:

1) Plan. Set aside ample time for preparation. This time will include prayer, study, contemplation, and writing so 15 minutes before your group meeting is probably not enough. You need to set a time, block it off on your calendar, and honor that commitment to yourself.

2) Pray. There really isn’t any reason to do anything if you aren’t relying on God to make it successful; so if you really want to give your discussion the best shot, pray.

3) Prepare. You’ve set aside time and you’ve prayed it up, so now you are ready to prepare. I would recommend the following order of events for your prep time (although everyone will do it a little differently).

Study. Whether you’re studying a biblical passage, reading a book, following a guide, or watching a video; take the time to make yourself familiar with the material. You should know it better than anyone else.
Contemplate. Think about where the people in your group are at in their lives. What are they struggling with? What are they celebrating? How is their family? their job? Is anyone in crisis? Consider how the material you are looking at is relevant to their lives.
Write. Don’t just develop a bunch of questions that serve only to increase your member’s knowledge about the material. Craft a discussion experience that will lead your group on a journey that impacts their hearts, minds, souls, and strength.

Some of the other “Discussion Suggestions” will help you as you create these questions, but as a starter, here are some simple suggestions for putting questions together:

Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no” will kill the conversation quickly.
“How” and “why” questions typically promote good discussion.
“When have you…” and “How do you feel about…” are usually solid ways to start a question.
More questions are better than fewer, as you can always delete them based on the course of the conversation.

10 Commandments for Leading Discussions

Small groups are a critical part of discipleship ministry. They give believers the opportunity to develop healthy relationships and grow in community. The best small groups utilize discussions to enable growth in each person. Below are 10 steps which will help you lead effective discussions. In the coming days, I’ll write more about each of the steps: