discipleship – SERMON|GEEK

Leading a Small Group Discussion 3: Actively Listen to All People

I remember a story we used to read when I was a child that highlighted the difference between listening and hearing. A child regularly heard her parent’s instructions but didn’t really listen. As a result, she continually disobeyed and ended up being confronted about her poor listening habits.

In a group setting, it is easy to hear what everyone is saying but to not really listen. Nothing can kill a discussion faster than not really listening to what others are saying, and nothing will promote discussion more than people’s realization that they are really being listened to.

You have probably many times found yourself in a conversation in which you were nodding your head and maintaining eye contact the whole time your counterpart spoke, but really all you heard was,”blah, blah, blah.” The problem is: when it is your turn to speak, you’ll likely fumble and bumble trying to make sense because you really have no idea how to respond.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are distracted.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are confused.

Sometimes we fail to listen because we are thinking of what we want to say next.

Sometimes we are thinking about how to respond to a previous statement.

Sometimes we don’t listen simply because we don’t care.

Likely, there are other reasons as well why we don’t listen.

Active listening requires us to not just hear and process the words and thoughts being communicated by others, but also to follow up with questions and statements designed to bring clarity. If I am successfully leading a discussion, I must ensure that not only is everyone heard, but that they are understood. I can accomplish this by being an “active listener.”

Here are some simple ways to be an active listener:

Follow up with a question.
Follow up by restating their point in your own words.
Follow up by summarizing their point.
Ask the person to clarify part of their statement which might have been confusing.
Restate a specific phrase or sentence, and add your opinion.

As with many other skills, active listening is a skill that needs to be developed over time. The best way to become better is to intentionally remind yourself before every group meeting that you are going to make an effort to be a more active listener. After each meeting, evaluate yourself.

10 Bible Verses You Can Send As A Text Message

One of the most important roles a pastor plays is that of CHIEF ENCOURAGER. One of the easiest ways you can encourage the people in your church is to occasionally send a brief text message to let them know you are thinking of them. When you send those text messages, why not include Scripture?

Here are 10 Bible verses you can send as encouraging text messages to the people in your congregation.

Exodus 15:2 – The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.
Psalm 34:4 – I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 118:24 – This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
John 14:27 – Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 16:33 – In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
Ephesians 6:10 – be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Colossians 1:11 – May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy
2 Timothy 1:7 – For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

LEADING A SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 2: Create a Climate of Acceptance

Read all 10 Commandments here.

No good discussion can happen unless the right climate or environment has first been cultivated.Just as a farmer’s job begins long before he puts seeds into the ground, a group leader’s job begins long before the first discussion question is asked.

No farmer walks out of his house one morning and just decides to throw some seeds on the ground. He knows if he hasn’t spent sufficient time preparing the ground, the seeds will have little or no chance to grow. Before he ever plants the seeds, the farmer spends time clearing the land, installing irrigation, removing weeds and plants, and cultivating the soil. When preparation is done properly, the seed will have the best possible chance to grow.

Giving your group’s discussion the best possible chance to be effective requires the leader to spend time creating an accepting environment. People’s ability to open themselves or close themselves is often dependent on whether or not they feel accepted. Someone who feels unwanted will typically withdraw, clam up, and eventually disappear. An effective group discussion will only happen when each group member feels valued, desired, and welcomed.

As the leader, you need to be able not only to cultivate this accepting environment, but also to evaluate the existing environment to notice whether or not people feel welcome. Observing group member’s level of involvement and body language is an easy way to identify whether or not people feel accepted. Some simple questions to ask yourself are:

How often are people contributing to the discussion? If someone never contributes, they may not feel accepted. If they are fully engaged, they likely feel very accepted.
Has anyone demonstrated a drastic change in group involvement? When someone who has never engaged suddenly begins engaging, you have probably succeeded in creating a accepting environment. The reverse is also true. If someone has consistently participated in group discussions and suddenly is withdrawn, you probably should inquire as to why.
Are people leaning in or backing out? When someone sits back with their arms folded protectively over their chest, they may be demonstrating that they don’t feel welcome. When people lean toward each other, they are exhibiting the type of vulnerability which is a result of feeling valued, welcomed, and accepted.

Every time you contact a group member you contribute to a climate of acceptance. Each personal interaction is a chance to reinforce their value to the group. Here are some simple ways to help people feel accepted:

Regularly remind them of specific ways they make the group better.
Seek opportunities to interact with them apart from group time.
Remember birthdays and milestone days.
Celebrate their accomplishments.
Follow up on their prayer requests.
Send random encouraging notes or emails.
Contact them when they’ve missed a group gathering.
Invite them to participate in informal “life-sharing” activities.

LEADING A SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1: Prepare Good Questions Ahead of Time

Read all 10 Commandments here.

Have you ever been part of a discussion that went absolutely nowhere? One of the most important tasks a small group leader needs to execute is GOOD PREPARATION. If your group is going to engage in a good discussion, that will ONLY HAPPEN if you are willing to take the time beforehand to prepare good questions.

If you really want to have a good discussion you must do the following three activities:

1) Plan. Set aside ample time for preparation. This time will include prayer, study, contemplation, and writing so 15 minutes before your group meeting is probably not enough. You need to set a time, block it off on your calendar, and honor that commitment to yourself.

2) Pray. There really isn’t any reason to do anything if you aren’t relying on God to make it successful; so if you really want to give your discussion the best shot, pray.

3) Prepare. You’ve set aside time and you’ve prayed it up, so now you are ready to prepare. I would recommend the following order of events for your prep time (although everyone will do it a little differently).

Study. Whether you’re studying a biblical passage, reading a book, following a guide, or watching a video; take the time to make yourself familiar with the material. You should know it better than anyone else.
Contemplate. Think about where the people in your group are at in their lives. What are they struggling with? What are they celebrating? How is their family? their job? Is anyone in crisis? Consider how the material you are looking at is relevant to their lives.
Write. Don’t just develop a bunch of questions that serve only to increase your member’s knowledge about the material. Craft a discussion experience that will lead your group on a journey that impacts their hearts, minds, souls, and strength.

Some of the other “Discussion Suggestions” will help you as you create these questions, but as a starter, here are some simple suggestions for putting questions together:

Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no” will kill the conversation quickly.
“How” and “why” questions typically promote good discussion.
“When have you…” and “How do you feel about…” are usually solid ways to start a question.
More questions are better than fewer, as you can always delete them based on the course of the conversation.

10 Commandments for Leading Discussions

Small groups are a critical part of discipleship ministry. They give believers the opportunity to develop healthy relationships and grow in community. The best small groups utilize discussions to enable growth in each person. Below are 10 steps which will help you lead effective discussions. In the coming days, I’ll write more about each of the steps:

1. Prepare “good” questions prior to the meeting

2. Create a climate of acceptance

3. Actively listen to each person

4. Affirm all legitimate expressions of opinion from your group members

5. “Peel the Onion” with questions

6. Be careful about taking sides in a “debate”

7. Allow for humor and rabbit trails

8. Don’t be afraid of silence.

9. Deal with discussion killers.

10. Be a facilitator, not an expert.

An Incredibly Long Post Discussing The Nature of Spiritual Growth Through The Utilization of Several Lists

What is spiritual growth?

It is growth of the spirit.
It is growth brought by the spirit.

But what is growth?

Growth is something that can happen to an individual.

Samuel grew in favor with God and men (1 Samuel 2)
Jesus also grew in favor with God and men(Luke 2).
Proverbs teaches that the man who walks with the wise will grow wise (Proverbs 13).
Solomon claimed to have grown in wisdom more than any other man, but concluded that this growth was nothing more than a “chasing after the wind” (Ecclesiastes 1).
Paul suggested that people can grow in their faith (2 Corinthians 10), and he suggested that this type of growth is typically accompanied by a change in activity (2 Thessalonians 1)

Growth is also something that can happen to a group, particularly the church.

Ephesians 4 provides detailed teaching about the church, particularly focusing on God’s plan to use certain gifted members to guide the church’s growth.
Colossians 2 teaches that the body’s growth comes directly from the head, Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 4 furthers this idea by suggesting that the goal of the church’s growth is to become more like Jesus.

The Bible seems to clearly teach that growth comes from God, not from our efforts.

Paul powerfully states in 1 Corinthians that it is God who brings growth, not the efforts of any man (1 Corinthians 3).
Jesus told many parables of growth (often the growth was kingdom growth, but occasionally individual growth). Almost always, the source of the growth was a mystery. On some occasions, Jesus even pointed out that no one knew how things grew (Mark 4).
During the Sermon on the Mount, in an effort to explain our need to rely on God, Jesus referenced the lilies of the field who grow even though they make no effort. His point is that God brings the growth, not our efforts (Matthew 6).
It would appear that God has given us the “milk” of His Word (Hebrews 5) as the primary instrument for our growth. Both Peter (1 Peter 2) and Paul (2 Corinthians 3) reference the need for spiritual milk.

When growth occurs, the Bible seems to teach that it is accompanied by a change in actions.

Jesus suggested in the parable of the soil that those who truly receive the Word will produce a “crop” (Matthew 13).
Paul implied that growth (both the expansion of the gospel around the world and people’s increasing knowledge of God) would be accompanied by “fruit” (Colossians 1).
Paul described the fruit of the Spirit as the result of a life lived while being submitted to the Spirit (Galatians 5).
The first listed fruit in Paul’s list is love, which coincides with the observation that it would appear spiritual growth will manifest itself through the depth of our love for others (2 Thessalonians 1). This idea seems to correspond well with Jesus’ teachings regarding the importance of our love for others (Mark 12; John 13).

Given the above concepts, it seems reasonable to define growth as:

God-enabled change in individuals or groups which results in more Christ-like activity, particularly love toward others.

Measuring the above definition of spiritual growth is not difficult. One can easily create lists or goals based upon the fruit of the Spirit or rooted in current relationships, and then regularly assess progress or regression based on the completion or achievement of the lists and goals. Of course this type of measurement is still somewhat subjective, however, it is virtually impossible to imagine an objective way to measure the growth of something so ethereal as the human spirit.

Noticeably missing from this definition is any sense of change in our relationship to God. Further study will hopefully address this absence. For now, it should suffice to say, spiritual growth of any kind must also include a positive change in one’s relationship with God.

Particularly problematic is the question of how one measures a change in their relationship with God. Throughout history, people of all cultures and all religions have attempted to identify clear-cut methods for obtaining the ideal relationship with God. Buddhism points to the eightfold path. Islam demands its followers observe the five pillars. Judaism reverts to strict observance of the Torah. However, none of these routes provide a biblically appropriate path to a deeper relationship with God.

Of course, Jesus is the ONLY path to the Father (John 14). However, this simple truth does not seem to provide a means by which to measure the growth in our relationship with God. Thus, we often tend to seek out more tangible methods by which to measure our spiritual growth. Some may rely on depth of feeling, or moments and experiences when God seemed particularly close. Inversely, the absence of these moments and experiences seems to indicate an alarming regression or lack of growth.

Some seek growth through the accumulation of knowledge, sensing a closeness to God whenever they discover a previously unknown truth about God or His Word. Seeking “head-growth” as the sole measurement of growth is dangerous as the Bible carries many warnings about harmful consequences of over-dependence on knowledge (Matthew 23; 1 Corinthians 8).

An even more dangerous measuring tool of spiritual growth is a checklist. Benjamin Franklin famously kept a list of thirteen virtues which he desired to shape his life. He regularly selected one of the virtues to be a focal point of his life, and he evaluated himself daily on his performance regarding each of the values. A temptation exists for some to reduce their relationship with God to a similar checklist of activities. Checked-off boxes are easy to measure, and if I can check all my “God” boxes in a day (prayed, read the Bible, witnessed, etc.), I can feel very positively about the progress of my spiritual growth. However, such activity is dangerously close to imitating the spirituality of the Pharisees.

Jewish tradition identified nearly 700 specific laws given by God in the Torah. These laws were a combination of actual laws from the Torah as well as many laws created through the oral tradition which was considered to be authoritative alongside the Torah. A devout Jew in the days of Christ would have considered the only measurement of their spiritual growth to be the extent to which they were “keeping” these laws. Jesus condemned this kind of spirituality, pointing out in the sermon on the mount that God was concerned not only with our actions, but also with our motives, our responses, and our thoughts (Matthew 5).

While none of the aforementioned methodologies (feelings, knowledge, lists) should be the primary or only means by which to measure spiritual growth, they may all be appropriate means by which to occasionally assess one’s growth. The key is to utilize these tools within a framework that understands the nature of spiritual growth. It is altogether possible that a person may be experiencing significant spiritual growth which does not show up in any of these measurements. It may also be possible for someone to demonstrate measurable growth which is, in reality, not growth at all.

Consider the following three examples of spiritual growth or lack thereof.

The early days of the church in Ephesus are recorded in Acts 19. After arriving in the city and witnessing the initial conversions of many people, Paul began to teach daily in a lecture hall. After teaching for two years, we are told that a series of events prompted several of the believers to give up their idols. The conclusion is that some of these people may have been believers for up to two years, sitting under the daily teaching of the Apostle Paul and were unable to give up their idols. We must wonder how Paul gauged their spiritual growth if they were not even willing to step away from their idolatry.

Few things in the Bible are as frustrating as the apparent lack of growth experienced by Jesus’ disciples. Reading the Gospels, we begin to wonder if these twelve men every understood a thing Jesus told them. Even at the last supper, after three years of walking with Jesus and hearing his teaching, they were still unable to comprehend the reality of Jesus’ mission. Even though he had regularly talked about his impending death, they were unable to grasp the concept. However, their inexplicable lack of growth over the three years is even more befuddling when contrasted with the amazingly accelerated growth which apparently took place immediately following the resurrection. The Peter we observe the night before the crucifixion is demonstrably different than the Peter we encounter in Acts 2.

Finally, Judas Iscariot presents a troubling tale of one who apparently demonstrated some level of spiritual growth, but clearly did not actually grow. Apparently, Judas’ betrayal of Jesus came as a complete shock to the other disciples. When told that one of them would betray Jesus, they were unable to identify who that person might be. Seemingly, to whatever extent the disciples exhibited spiritual growth, Judas did as well. In fact, one might suggest that Judas demonstrated a higher level of growth as he was entrusted with the group’s money, a task he would not have been given had he been considered untrustworthy. Yet, in spite of the outward evidences of growth, Judas clearly did not grow spiritually, as all evidence points to a reality that Judas was never even reborn spiritually.

What can we learn from these three observances?

From the Ephesians, we might conclude that spiritual growth does not happen overnight, and in some cases may take a great deal of time. We can also suggest that growth may not always happen immediately in the ways we would expect.
From the disciples, we can observe that spiritual growth may not always be a steady process, but might happen in spurts, prompted by significant or traumatic experiences.
The Judas story reminds us that measurements of spiritual growth may not always tell the whole story.

Much of our desire to measure is deeply rooted in modernity. The scientific method has become THE indisputable method for determining truth. As a result in every area of our life, we look for measurable factors which will demonstrate our success. We are likely to engage in actions which lend themselves more easily toward measurement, particularly, we are drawn to repeatable patterns and processes which correspond to the scientific method.

We sometimes apply these same ideas to spiritual growth. Since we want to be successful in our growth, we desire to measure it. Accurate measurement is much easier with consistent factors, therefore, we theorize that spiritual growth can best be measured if we can reduce it to identifiable consistently repeating factors. The result is a formulaic approach to spiritual growth which ends up placing undo stress on the methods and the activities instead of the result and the process.

Luke 18 records Jesus’ story of a man who measured his spiritual growth based on his ability to consistently perform spiritual activities. The man prayed, “God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.” Jesus made it clear that this man was not justified before God.

Jesus told Nicodemus (John 3) that, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” Have you ever tried to wrap your hands around the wind? We see and hear measurements of the wind’s speed, but the reality is that those measurements are nothing more than averages based on moment-by-moment data. The wind is inconsistent, it is unpredictable, and it is uncontrollable.

Jesus said the work of the Spirit is like the wind. Spiritual growth is sometimes inconsistent and unpredictable. It is a process, but not always a measurable and orderly process. For this reason, we must learn to be patient with ourselves and others. Growth may not happen in the timeline we prefer and it may not take the path we prescribe. We must give grace to those who have not fully arrived (because we also have not fully arrived).

While opening ourselves to the Spirit’s work, we must also open ourselves to the possibility that He may have different plans for us than we have for ourselves. If we must measure something, we should measure love. Jesus measured love by sacrifice and we probably should also. But this post is already long, and that topic requires much more, so perhaps now is the time to bring this rambling writing to an end.

Let’s Talk About Death

Later this evening, I’ll be meeting with a family who is grieving the death of their mother. We will plan the details of her memorial service and I will ask a series of questions allowing them to talk about and remember her. This process will prepare me to deliver a funeral sermon which honors the deceased, points to Jesus and provides hope for those who are left behind. This is a pretty regular part of the job.

In an unrelated event, this morning, a member of our church stopped in to talk with me about his upcoming death. He hasn’t set a date and there is no impending reason that he will die soon, but he is past 80 and realizes that his time is shorter than it once was. We talked about the funeral home he has contracted with and what the service might be like. He gave me a three page summary of his life that he had written to help me prepare his eulogy. What he really wanted to know, though, was if it was okay for him to be cremated.

So, death is on my mind.

I often wonder if we do a disservice to the people in our church by not speaking about death as we should. We are people who claim to have been made new. We believe that our old life is gone and that we are no longer like the world. Yet, it seems that we talk and think about death exactly like everyone else. Our new life in Christ changes everything about us, except it seems, our view of death.

Death is the enemy of humanity but it is not an opponent of Jesus’ people. I could argue that death is actually the friend of God’s children.

Paul hinted at this when he said, “my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” (ultimately, Paul decided he should not depart because he could still provide value to the lives of others AND he submitted the timing of his death to the wisdom of God rather than his own whims and inclinations)

Last week I sat with a friend whose father is failing mentally and physically. He is mourning the loss of his father, even before death strikes its final blow. Together we wrestled through the hard truth that “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” (Psalm 116:15). We fight against the loss we feel when other pass, but at the same time, we must learn to celebrate their homecoming and that they are present with their Father who loves them.

IF we really believe:

that Jesus has prepared a place for those who believe in Him
that eternal life is ours because of Christ’s work
that death is the passageway to the presence of God
that we will be made whole on the other side of the grave
that once we die, we will no longer see through a glass darkly
that the new heaven and new earth are far superior to our current dwelling place
that there will be no more death, mourning, crying or pain

THEN, shouldn’t our attitude toward death reflect hope and joy?

Loss is painful. Whenever a loved-one is lost, pain is expected. We mourn because we will never again, on this earth, experience the connection we once enjoyed. It is good for us to acknowledge this hurt and to sit with one another in these times of loss.

AND…

We should prepare our people for these moments by regularly reminding them that death is not the ultimate enemy for those who trust Christ. The grave has, indeed, lost its sting.

Today, I’m thinking about death. This has reminded me that I must do more to preach and teach about life, eternal life particularly. I must equip those in my care with a worldview that embraces death, not as a long separation but as a blessed home going. This is a tool I can give them which will be well-used by all at some point in the future.

The Post-Sermon Play-by-Play

Every so often I have a Sunday morning experience that I am quite certain is not unique to me. I call it the “Yes|But”. Anyone who preaches on a regular basis has probably tasted the “Yes|But” at some point in their ministry.

The “Yes|But” sounds something like this, “Pastor, I agree with what you said, BUT…”

Sound familiar?

Before you decide I’m being overly critical of the “Yes|But”, please allow me to finish. I have discovered that the Yes But can teach me a great deal about the words I just spoke.

Sometimes, when confronted by the “Yes|But”, I find myself feeling defensive. I immediately begin planning my response. I look for ways to show the Yes Butter that they are clearly in the wrong.

You can be certain that this response clearly indicates that the words I just preached were not God’s, they were my own.

The more defensive I am of the words I preach, the more likely it is that they reflect my ideas, not God’s.

Sometimes, though, when confronted with the “Yes|But”, I don’t feel the least bit defensive. Sometimes I feel quite peaceful, and sometimes, I have found myself feeling a genuine concern for the spiritual journey of the person speaking to me. When I don’t feel the need to defend my words, it is likely that they were really Gods words.

The beauty of speaking the Word of God is that I never have to defend myself. As long as I can say, “I am simply preaching directly from the Word of God”, I never have to worry about the “Yes|But”. I can always respond (at least in my mind), “you don’t have to agree with me, but please make sure you aren’t disagreeing with God.”

In Defense of Topical Preaching

Several years ago I read this critique of topical preaching. In the mind of the author “relevance” was not a positive motivation for preaching:

The great advantage of topical preaching is its relevance. The preacher can choose topics he knows will be of immediate interest to his listeners. The assumption is that in a culture like ours only that information which can be put to use quickly and easily will engage people. The topical sermon meets that need.

I understand this idea, and I agree that this kind of topical preaching is done in many churches today. I also don’t think it’s wrong, but it wouldn’t be my first choice.

However… I think some/many pastors have a different (AND MISUNDERSTOOD) rational for preaching “topical sermon”. The assumption this fellow makes, as well as many others who are critical of topical preaching, is that the topics are chosen solely to interest and engage the congregation. This would be unhealthy, and should usually be avoided, but…

If a pastor, acting as a shepherd, observes an aspect of his church’s life which needs to be addressed (such as lack of evangelism, unfriendliness, forms of worldliness, etc.); isn’t it incumbent on this pastor to preach sermons which address this topic?

It is my contention that a good portion of any preaching schedule should include topical messages which specifically address the spiritual health of the congregation. While every section of God’s Word always has something to say to every believer, if a church spends an entire year working through the Gospel of John, they have neglected the opportunity to teach a vast amount of the Bible’s truth; and may not be adequately addressing systemic issues and opportunities which exist in the life of the community.

In closing, I’ll make a short observation. Read Matthew 28:20. There Jesus taught that discipleship is:

teaching obedience based on content

NOT

teaching content which leads to obedience

Of course, this is not a necessary dichotomy and the two should not be played against each other. Rather, we should recognize in preaching, that sometimes TOPICAL messages (which are, of course, biblically based and biblically coherent) are necessary to truly disciple a church body to obedience.